Breaking Free...

For the past several years, she had been on a mindful journey to identify and make peace with her authentic self. With the aid of the therapists she reached the goal and began to naturally embrace her authentic self with love. She didn’t even realize the healing was occurring. Yes, she wanted to accept and be at peace with this woman whom she partly knew and would fully come to know. She stared at herself thinking, I truly love her. She didn’t judge her or make her feel bad about her choices. Mainly because she is now honest with herself, after finding it hard to embrace some “ugly” or “undesirable” parts of herself. This 33-year-old woman found her inner child and let her out, she didn’t always worry about who saw her inner child anymore. She decided to be less guarded and more engaged in the present. She consciously chose to love her faults and subconsciously emerged into a goddess inspiring those close to her. She was fully aware of those in her immediate vicinity who were on their own journeys and through their stunted growth failed to understand the beauty that was among them. In the past, she retreated whenever she felt the bad energy or vibes of others — those who allowed their own insecurities to give them permission to behave badly and spew out negativity. She, however, was no longer that caterpillar afraid of the life that was to come if she went into the cocoon. She allowed herself to be honest with others and stand up for her beliefs and needs without feeling bad about her requests, nor would she apologize for her truth. She ended a 2-year engagement, 4-year relationship with a man she once loved but no longer could recognize the common thread they once shared. She didn’t apologize for choosing herself. The truth is she had postponed breaking off the engagement because he had expressed 2 things: a. how badly he would feel if the relationship ended and b. how others would perceive him once they knew the couple was no longer together. But 11 weeks without talking to him verbally helped her figure out even more about herself in relationships and confirm things she already knew — the latter being that she stayed too long in relationships. She had cut off 2 major friendships at the end of 2016 and was toying with a 2 more in the summer of 2017 due to how she had been treated by others. Perhaps these individuals had mistreated her because she had done the same in years before, but regardless of the reason it mattered not. The only thing that really mattered was finally accepting much earlier that the friendships had evolved to the point of no longer serving a positive purpose in her life.

She moved and faced her truth alone. Never lonely and one to appreciate being alone, she truly faced herself and saw the woman who needed the attention of her partner or someone else if they could not make her feel the feelings she longed to feel. This was one of the reasons she questioned whether she would make a “good wife” and if she should even consider marrying anyone. Now having been proposed to by 2 men — one she had no intention of marrying and the other she had to reconsider after several financial blunders and neglect. Recently she’d viewed a media clip explaining the only 2 reasons to marry a person: a. to pass down or create generational wealth and b. to build…. This new notion was a juxtaposition from her early 20s narrative of marrying for love and aligned with her current concept to marry for business purposes. It came down to her wondering if she could build more solo (like Oprah) or in a partnership (like the Obamas).
She knew one thing, the three men she had been recently involved did not possess building material or mindsets. One was married for the better part of their 10 year on and off again affair and had an ego whose ugly head was rearing more and more; the second a good friend who meant well but no longer meeting her physical attraction or needs but hurt her too many times with carefree decisions; and the third a fuck boy who was physically close when she needed to explore her sexual desires. It was clear she needed to start from scratch and be alone for at least a year to recover from her poor decisions — not mistakes.