Good morning, good mourning...
Read with India.Arie's Good Mourning playing in the background...Love that song!
(Just woke up with this on my mind) I recall where we were a year ago this day and my advice to others is...
Refrain from engaging in things that will cloud your judgment and delay your progress with its tantalizing elements. Love possesses so much power that it seduces the innocent into believing that its purpose is to enhance the lover's life, when in fact it will temporarily do this and later cause insanity. A thoughtful human once summarized insanity as, committing the same act again and again, expecting a different outcome. Is this not what people gambling on love do? I CAN tell you exactly how many times I have entered into a fresh relationship with hope and desire. This seems absurd due to the fact that all beginnings must have their end. [...Mislead by society to believe that each relationship will lead to marriage.] How many times have you willingly decided to take a chance on matters of the heart?
*Delayed Disclaimer* Do not mind my ramblings if you are in love, for if you are too deeply involved my words may only upset thee.
I have wondered how it is that I am so much more productive when alone, without a lover to care for. (Because I am codependent and often choose people who require my care and rarely provide me with the nurturing I desire and deserve. It is funny that I have referred to them as my "partner" when if I am honest with myself - they never behaved as my partner...Perhaps I never acted as theirs, in their eyes, either.) For a time, it feels good for someone to depend on you, and you on them. But for someone like me, that time expires after the independent factor returns. Meaning, when I am smitten by a unique individual my thoughts and actions are consumed with showing my affection. [What's that you say?, I have no one to blame, except myself for allowing obsession to conquer me! True.] I enjoy working on projects and achieving my academic, professional, and personal goals. Yet, when I am exclusively seeing a daring person my goals move down the priority ladder. [Yes, I admit these things get put on the backburner in the first few months! Shameful, I know...] All of the items on my daily and weekly lists are carried out - efficiently. Again and again we have heard stories of people "snapping" and ending their lover's life or a person ceasing to function in reality after being horribly betrayed by a lover. I would rather continue to thrive and enjoy every moment of life alone, than be lonely in a monogamous/intimate relationship. I have seen what being in love alone can do to the psyche. [insert look of disgust] The first time my heart was broken, by someone I once joyfully loved, I thought I would die from the pain caused. Yet, to look back on the situation, if I had been in my right mind, I would have considered how crazy I seemed and gotten over the loss in a healthier, faster way. I felt powerless, because I was suffering from a disease of the mind called love. I truly understand the cliché "love is blind." Tis better to love, cry and regain clear thinking than to remain in a delusional state. The film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind resonated with me, OBVIOUSLY. Certainly, I will miss the late night/early morning music sessions at your place and cooking for you. However, I am pleased to regain my life. There may be tears on my pillow, but my mind is clear. I will miss lying in bed talking with you for hours about our formative years and reciting lines from films only we know. I will not miss your silly behavior, nor your demanding, double-standards. Back to dating for pleasure and nothing more…. And Love, (bitter)sweet Love do not tell me to “fall to the back of the line where” you will call me in time. I am not interested. Will I be eating these words/thoughts AGAIN in a year and a half??? To be continued...
UPDATE: We got back together and broke up for good in December 2012. {Insert joyful claps}
*Delayed Disclaimer* Do not mind my ramblings if you are in love, for if you are too deeply involved my words may only upset thee.
I have wondered how it is that I am so much more productive when alone, without a lover to care for. (Because I am codependent and often choose people who require my care and rarely provide me with the nurturing I desire and deserve. It is funny that I have referred to them as my "partner" when if I am honest with myself - they never behaved as my partner...Perhaps I never acted as theirs, in their eyes, either.) For a time, it feels good for someone to depend on you, and you on them. But for someone like me, that time expires after the independent factor returns. Meaning, when I am smitten by a unique individual my thoughts and actions are consumed with showing my affection. [What's that you say?, I have no one to blame, except myself for allowing obsession to conquer me! True.] I enjoy working on projects and achieving my academic, professional, and personal goals. Yet, when I am exclusively seeing a daring person my goals move down the priority ladder. [Yes, I admit these things get put on the backburner in the first few months! Shameful, I know...] All of the items on my daily and weekly lists are carried out - efficiently. Again and again we have heard stories of people "snapping" and ending their lover's life or a person ceasing to function in reality after being horribly betrayed by a lover. I would rather continue to thrive and enjoy every moment of life alone, than be lonely in a monogamous/intimate relationship. I have seen what being in love alone can do to the psyche. [insert look of disgust] The first time my heart was broken, by someone I once joyfully loved, I thought I would die from the pain caused. Yet, to look back on the situation, if I had been in my right mind, I would have considered how crazy I seemed and gotten over the loss in a healthier, faster way. I felt powerless, because I was suffering from a disease of the mind called love. I truly understand the cliché "love is blind." Tis better to love, cry and regain clear thinking than to remain in a delusional state. The film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind resonated with me, OBVIOUSLY. Certainly, I will miss the late night/early morning music sessions at your place and cooking for you. However, I am pleased to regain my life. There may be tears on my pillow, but my mind is clear. I will miss lying in bed talking with you for hours about our formative years and reciting lines from films only we know. I will not miss your silly behavior, nor your demanding, double-standards. Back to dating for pleasure and nothing more…. And Love, (bitter)sweet Love do not tell me to “fall to the back of the line where” you will call me in time. I am not interested. Will I be eating these words/thoughts AGAIN in a year and a half??? To be continued...
UPDATE: We got back together and broke up for good in December 2012. {Insert joyful claps}
Comments