My Jesus Year: How Teaching Abroad Taught Me to Be Assertive
Teaching in South Korea has blessed my soul on so many levels. It will certainly be hard to return to the states (date definitely unknown). Since the start of the semester (see First Day of School post) my high school - 3rd grade students (juniors/11th graders) have been reading a chapter on assertiveness. Reading with them has reinforced some key issues that were established in my cognitive therapy sessions between the ages of 29 and 32, regarding speaking up for oneself and creating boundaries.
Since relocating here I have naturally become more assertive - not to be confused with aggressive. This assertiveness is a result of the language barrier, coupled with the ability to reinvent one's self when living in a new environment. However, in regards to my family, friends and future partners I have a new perspective that I am practicing to keep myself genuinely happy, which keeps my mind and body healthy.
I failed to be more assertive at my previous place of employment, especially after the bullying that occurred at the hands of two female coworkers, along with the institutional racism embedded in many employees approaches, mindset and behavior. In my defense, I did not allow these insecure people to distress me without any response. I tried to handle the incidents on my own, which just exasperated the issue. Then I felt forced to take different actions involving others. I went to my immediate female supervisors and then her supervisor and was told by both to let time pass, because both of these (tenured) employees, who were attacking me, were notorious for unprofessional and inappropriate behavior in the workplace. Shocker! Basically I was told that it was "my turn" to be hazed by them and that it would eventually be a new teacher and things would (for me) go back to normal. This was an unacceptable response, so I wrote my resignation letter shortly after that very dysfunctional conversation and started planning my exit and next place of employment. I was not assertive in this situation; I was merely reactive. I still question what I can do to be proactive in such a situation. Is it appropriate to ask in the midst of interview how the administration recommends employees handle unprofessional coworkers and/or how they would handle situations where employees are being harassed, regardless of gender? I have no answers, at this time.
In the future, I hope that I would be able to handle such and uncomfortable situation differently - especially if I am a part of a team where our supervisor does not address the issues when discussed - which facilitates a hostile work environment where dysfunctional behavior will continue. I recognize now that my next step should have been to file a complaint through HR, to at least have a record of the ongoing situations. That would be my advice to anyone currently experiencing terrible treatment in the workplace, educator or not. Upon reflection, this year long torment reminded me of the home life I endured as a adolescent through young adulthood*.
Reality set in and I started to question a lot of things, with regards to my lack of assertiveness... Why did I always find myself choosing to be in relationships where my partner was emotionally unavailable and in many cases lacking a mature level of emotional intelligence? In *my Jesus year, it finally occurred to me! Well not occurred, but truly sunk in for a core understanding. Um, you grew up in an alcoholic system where love and affection were displayed in dysfunctional ways, i.e. yelling, manipulation, bullying, monetary gifts as love and so forth. It was not easy and I would wish that dynamic on no one.
For example: I chose men who wanted to have children when I have known for several years that I do not wish to be a mother - I do not at this point in my life have that level of commit for anything except myself.
This also means remaining silent in the midst of having my feelings hurt, emotional distress based on the behavior of my loved ones. I learned to be complacent and accept most (dysfunctional) behavior - however, I never tolerated physical violence. At the age of 29 I entered therapy with a black, female psychologist who for the first time made me feel like I was not odd or weird for thinking and behaving in the ways that I do - despite the level of dysfunction I was willingly living in, and in some cases causing. She taught me to honestly assess my actions and discover why I was choosing to respond/react in such ways. I was learning how to ask for what I wanted and needed, as well as holding myself accountable for my own feelings and expectations in intimate relationships. Now, I can see that this was the start of my work around assertiveness.
Furthermore, I learned how to address my needs and expectations among acquaintances and friends as well. I am not a person who likes to be touched during casual conversation, especially without first being asked.
You know how some people like to hit or touch a person's arm mid-conversation. I still do not understand why people do this... Control your damn hands and touch your own hands and arms if you feel the need to touch skin when you are interacting with others! #minirant
I will continue to tell people when they say or do things around me that make me uncomfortable - with one or two expected outcomes. 1. the behavior will stop around me or 2. they will continue the behavior and I will discontinue or limit my contact with this person, depending the severity of the issue (level of offensiveness). In our textbook these are examples of being assertive. Of course, I expected to learn many things while living abroad, but I never thought I would emerge more assertive and feel comfortable in the process. I had to learn that nothing bad will happen from asking for what I want and informing people of my needs. Still, I am growing and maturing in several ways, after what seems like several years of arrested development. I encourage you, dear reader, to be more assertive and clear in your desires and needs, with your loved ones, acquaintances and colleagues. Do not relinquish your power to others anymore.
*Read my book for details.
*my Jesus year is a term coined to represent an obvious turning point in my life, where I could no longer return to familiar places and people as the same being; a period of true transformation where there is life only before and after. Jesus was 33 years old when he was crucified after only three years of sharing his message; there are parallels between his story and mine - although the ending is very different.
Since relocating here I have naturally become more assertive - not to be confused with aggressive. This assertiveness is a result of the language barrier, coupled with the ability to reinvent one's self when living in a new environment. However, in regards to my family, friends and future partners I have a new perspective that I am practicing to keep myself genuinely happy, which keeps my mind and body healthy.
I failed to be more assertive at my previous place of employment, especially after the bullying that occurred at the hands of two female coworkers, along with the institutional racism embedded in many employees approaches, mindset and behavior. In my defense, I did not allow these insecure people to distress me without any response. I tried to handle the incidents on my own, which just exasperated the issue. Then I felt forced to take different actions involving others. I went to my immediate female supervisors and then her supervisor and was told by both to let time pass, because both of these (tenured) employees, who were attacking me, were notorious for unprofessional and inappropriate behavior in the workplace. Shocker! Basically I was told that it was "my turn" to be hazed by them and that it would eventually be a new teacher and things would (for me) go back to normal. This was an unacceptable response, so I wrote my resignation letter shortly after that very dysfunctional conversation and started planning my exit and next place of employment. I was not assertive in this situation; I was merely reactive. I still question what I can do to be proactive in such a situation. Is it appropriate to ask in the midst of interview how the administration recommends employees handle unprofessional coworkers and/or how they would handle situations where employees are being harassed, regardless of gender? I have no answers, at this time.
In the future, I hope that I would be able to handle such and uncomfortable situation differently - especially if I am a part of a team where our supervisor does not address the issues when discussed - which facilitates a hostile work environment where dysfunctional behavior will continue. I recognize now that my next step should have been to file a complaint through HR, to at least have a record of the ongoing situations. That would be my advice to anyone currently experiencing terrible treatment in the workplace, educator or not. Upon reflection, this year long torment reminded me of the home life I endured as a adolescent through young adulthood*.
Reality set in and I started to question a lot of things, with regards to my lack of assertiveness... Why did I always find myself choosing to be in relationships where my partner was emotionally unavailable and in many cases lacking a mature level of emotional intelligence? In *my Jesus year, it finally occurred to me! Well not occurred, but truly sunk in for a core understanding. Um, you grew up in an alcoholic system where love and affection were displayed in dysfunctional ways, i.e. yelling, manipulation, bullying, monetary gifts as love and so forth. It was not easy and I would wish that dynamic on no one.
For example: I chose men who wanted to have children when I have known for several years that I do not wish to be a mother - I do not at this point in my life have that level of commit for anything except myself.
This also means remaining silent in the midst of having my feelings hurt, emotional distress based on the behavior of my loved ones. I learned to be complacent and accept most (dysfunctional) behavior - however, I never tolerated physical violence. At the age of 29 I entered therapy with a black, female psychologist who for the first time made me feel like I was not odd or weird for thinking and behaving in the ways that I do - despite the level of dysfunction I was willingly living in, and in some cases causing. She taught me to honestly assess my actions and discover why I was choosing to respond/react in such ways. I was learning how to ask for what I wanted and needed, as well as holding myself accountable for my own feelings and expectations in intimate relationships. Now, I can see that this was the start of my work around assertiveness.
Furthermore, I learned how to address my needs and expectations among acquaintances and friends as well. I am not a person who likes to be touched during casual conversation, especially without first being asked.
You know how some people like to hit or touch a person's arm mid-conversation. I still do not understand why people do this... Control your damn hands and touch your own hands and arms if you feel the need to touch skin when you are interacting with others! #minirant
I will continue to tell people when they say or do things around me that make me uncomfortable - with one or two expected outcomes. 1. the behavior will stop around me or 2. they will continue the behavior and I will discontinue or limit my contact with this person, depending the severity of the issue (level of offensiveness). In our textbook these are examples of being assertive. Of course, I expected to learn many things while living abroad, but I never thought I would emerge more assertive and feel comfortable in the process. I had to learn that nothing bad will happen from asking for what I want and informing people of my needs. Still, I am growing and maturing in several ways, after what seems like several years of arrested development. I encourage you, dear reader, to be more assertive and clear in your desires and needs, with your loved ones, acquaintances and colleagues. Do not relinquish your power to others anymore.
*Read my book for details.
*my Jesus year is a term coined to represent an obvious turning point in my life, where I could no longer return to familiar places and people as the same being; a period of true transformation where there is life only before and after. Jesus was 33 years old when he was crucified after only three years of sharing his message; there are parallels between his story and mine - although the ending is very different.
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